How we can help someone who has been bereaved
Some of us do not have a personal experience of bereavement. We may struggle to know what to say to someone who has been bereaved, or be concerned that we may say something inappropriate and add to someone’s distress.
Just finding simple words such as, “I’m sorry” is far more comforting than saying nothing. It can also be comforting to:
- Acknowledge the death
- Use the name of the person who has died
- Listen, give opportunities to talk
- Show interest and be empathic
Bereavement kindness toolkit
Our Bereavement kindness toolkit has been developed to create awareness of how to help someone who has been bereaved. It shares essential tips which can help all of us become confident in supporting someone.
How to support
The simplest practical tasks can seem overwhelming in the early days of grief. A simple offer of practical support may be really appreciated. Specific offers of help with shopping, hanging out washing, help with chores, bringing a dish that can be frozen if not used immediately, making a cake, dropping in for a chat, or making a phone call can all be helpful.
You might offer to meet up, perhaps go for a walk together and aim to keep in touch on a regular basis.
Grief can be exhausting so it’s good to encourage the person to look after themselves as well as they can. This might include encouraging them to rest and to sleep and to eat as well and as healthily as they can. Sharing information on following the 5 Ways to Wellbeing may be helpful.
Supporting someone who has dementia
The death of someone we love is never easy, but it can be even more challenging when someone in the family has dementia. It can be hard to know how and when to tell the person with dementia about a death in the family. This can become even harder when the person with dementia doesn’t hold onto the memory that a loved one has died. There can be extra distress for both a carer who may also be grieving and to the person with dementia who re-experiences the pain of the bereavement each time they are told of it. Even old bereavements may seem as though they have just happened.
It’s good to think ahead about when and how to share the news of the death of a loved one. Using simple clear language that includes the fact that a person they loved has died helps avoid misunderstanding. Practical ways to help the bereaved person with dementia to understand and accept the death include speaking about the person who has died in the past tense. It might be helpful to give a memento that may help them to feel closer to the person who has died. This could be a picture, an item of clothing or a piece of furniture that might provide comfort.
Bereavement support for carers of people with dementia
Grief can start even before a diagnosis is reached. A loved one may gradually lose abilities and there is the loss of being able to share memories together. There is sadness at gradually losing the person who “was” rather than who they are now. As the dementia progresses there may also be less sharing of normal activities of daily living and the carer may lose the freedom to live their own life as fully as they may once have intended. Support for carers and their families in Dudley is available from Dudley Carers Hub and from the Dementia Gateway. Help is available to develop coping strategies as both individuals come to terms with the diagnosis and role reversal that can occur. If you are a carer it’s also important to look after your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing to help you to cope as well as you can with the demands of your caring role.
Caring for those with dementia can be difficult and may last for a long time, although some find benefit in using assistive technology to calm, stimulate and to reduce agitation. A decision to move a loved one with dementia to residential care may leave a carer feeling a loss of purpose, loss of person, and possible pressure to “move on”.
When their loved one with dementia dies, their carer may find they are exhausted. While caring may have demanded many hours of care every day, bereaved carers may also feel that they have lost their main focus in life. They may also have lost someone who they were deeply bonded to, having cared for them through good times and bad.
When death and bereavement are hard to understand
For those with a learning disability or who are caring for someone with a learning disability, help to break bad news is available.
Extra support is also available for anyone who finds pictures easier to understand than words. More specialist support is also available from your community nurse, or ask your GP if a referral to the Community Learning Disability Specialist Health Services at The Ridge Hill Centre might be beneficial.
What bereaved people would say if only they could talk
